Back in Calcutta
This is my second full day here. I had such a blast in Chennai, it was a really action packed 10 days. Things are a little slower here in Calcutta, so my body’s gone into recovery mode. I slept almost the entire day yesterday! I’m not exaggerating. I think I slept from 11pm to 11am… something like that. And then after my super late breakfast around noon, I went back to sleep from about 1:30 to 5:30. Today, I was really tempted to take a nap, yet somehow I resisted. I’m so tired right now actually. I’d really like to share some of my experiences and thoughts from this last week, so I’m going to try to write for a little while, although I’m really not sure how much sense I’ll make. Even if I wasn’t this exhausted, I’m not sure I’d really know what to say. I think I’m still trying to make sense of it all, on multiple levels.
My Chennai Chics
First of all, I had such a great time with Prtha and Kumari. They are really the most entertaining people! My god, somebody should make a reality show with them in it, or they should have their own SNL duo skit. I know I said this in my last blog, but, really, I spent this entire past week literally laughing every single day. Not just slight chuckles. Like tears in my eyes, can’t breathe, gasping for breath, stomach hurting, type of laughing. The last time I laughed like this is when my friend Sita and I traveled to Panama for two weeks back in 2008. I mean, it’s been awhile – me laughing to this extent. I freakin’ love those girls so much. They are hilarious, they are smart, they are stylish, they are friendly, they are talented – just all around awesome, awesome ladies. And I met so many fantastic people through them too. And then I met fantastic people through the fantastic people that I met through them! So these special ladies are really the foundation for the amazing time that I had.
Dance, Hope, Inspiration, and Apprehension
And dance – for the first time in years, I felt that feeling of hope and possibility and connection that I used to feel with classical Indian dance. My leg won’t be fucked up forever, it has to heal one day. My passion for dance doesn’t have to be a money guzzler, rather it can be a healthy part of my life, of how I live, full of unexpected opportunities. I feel scared, having this hope again. I’m afraid that once I go back to the States, I’m going to feel crushed again, that I’m going to feel a loss of hope, of motivation, of promise. I don’t want to live a life full of stress and disappointment. I don’t want to live a life where I give up on things because I am worried about money or about failure.
Part of me feels superstitious in the sense that I shouldn’t talk about these negative feelings. I don’t want to keep those things in my life. All those self help books I’ve been binging on for the past two years constantly talk about positive reinforcement, trust, hope, action, focusing on the good. How do I address the painful, negative feelings and experiences in my life while not letting it bog me down? How do I recognize its existence and still continue to move forward in my life? How do I allow myself to have hope and trust in myself and what life has in store for me, when I feel like life has showed me so much sadness and disappointment these last few years?
During my entire trip to India, I have met so many people who do and have done some really neat things for a living. People who are entrepreneurs, artists, researchers, philanthropists, and teachers – some who are all of the above. And it’s really inspiring to be around. Wow, these people have succeeded in doing things that I would love to do! These are people I would love to spend my time with. I have just found myself thinking over and over again, “Wow! How do I do that? Man, if I did such and such, I would totally hire him or her. Or I would totally refer them. Or I’d love to collaborate with this person, we’d be a really good team. Or, gosh, if I had the right in, I’d would rock at doing that.”
Just feeling that level of positivity, freedom, and openness is something I am really grateful for. It’s in such juxtaposition to where I was this time last year - I don’t take this for granted at all. The thing that scares me a little is that these are all just feelings. Do I have it in me to go ahead and do something with this reawakened part of me or am I going to pull away and hide out of fear of failure? I don’t know. I certainly hope beyond hope that my life and myself begin to blossom again. I don’t know how well I’ll be able to handle more of feeling trampled by life when I get back to the States. To be honest, part of me doesn’t want to go back. Part of me wants to stay here, start a business, focus on dancing again – things I wanted to do years ago, but somehow got waylaid and sidetracked. A dream deferred – like Langston Hughes’ poem.
I know I haven’t really talked about anything concrete yet. Instead, I’ve rambled on and on, without giving any actual examples of the people and situations that display what I’m talking about. I think because it just feels a little overwhelming to do so right now. I want to do the people I’ve been around and the experiences I’ve had they justice they deserve in my writing, which I’m a little too tired and muddled for at the moment.
Props to More Awesome People in My Life
My gosh! Rebecca and Abhijeet’s wedding is right around the corner! I am so happy for them and for me. For them, because they are getting married and they are both so compatible. They balance each other out and even in stressful times (like preparing for a wedding) find so much support and comfort in each other. It’s a beautiful thing to have a relationship like they have. I hope to one day find a relationship with that level of connection and compatibility. And I’m so happy for me, because I would never have taken this trip if it hadn’t have been for them getting married, for Rebecca stepping forward the way she did to encourage me to come. This whole trip has been such a blessing.
And I want to thank my grandparents who surprised me this past week with their present! If you’re reading this, you know what I’m talking about! How cool is it to have your grandparents surprise you when you’re halfway around the world?! Way cool, that’s how cool.
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